you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
