I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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