you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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