mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
