Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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