Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
