the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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