I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
