my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
