He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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