when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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