After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
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I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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