Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
