R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
