I wish I only lived at night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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