Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
