there was a trapeze. enough said
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
