Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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