my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
