don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
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