Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
