i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
