I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
