you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
