i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You were trust falling into bushes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
