the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
