I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
