please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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