I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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