It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
