Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
