WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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