He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
