Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
