had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
