Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
