I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize