In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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