Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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