I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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