guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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