I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
