Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
