Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
