you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
