do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
