i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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