I wish I could punch you in the face.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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