You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
