Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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