I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
