You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
