You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
