frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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