he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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