I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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