you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
