I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
